having the script flipped on my whole life so suddenly has given me the need to reevaluate who i am. i have gotten so wrapped up in the nomenclature of wife and mom that i have forgotten to take time to think about what it means to be outside of those titles. identity crisis! does everyone go through this at such intensity at one time or another?
and not only am i struggling with my new inner identity of wife and mom, but i'm also struggling with my outer identity of being 30lbs overweight. it's one of the only things i think about and ruminate on daily. my whole self screams with everything in it's power: "THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!!!" which also makes me question if i was ever really ok with my inner self, or was my physical self (which i was always pretty happy with) compensating for things i didn't want to deal with emotionally/spiritually/mentally?
i have come to a point where the yearning to take care of myself has gotten so strong that it is impossible to ignore. because really, how can i be a good mom and wife if i am ignoring my own essential needs?
that being said, i really love taking care of my little family. now that they're here, i really don't know what i'd do without them. they are now a part of me as my arm is a part of me. in fact, i am much more fond of them than i am my arm. cut it off and it would be a mere inconvenience! now, take away my child and my husband and two thirds of who i am would just die. i would not be chantal anymore. just a shell of who i used to be... the rest would just be gone. just as you can't grow your arm back, i doubt i would ever be able to regain a full existence without the two loves of my life...
but i digress. well, not really. i guess this is really all about identity isn't it? i am no longer that poetic island on which i used to romanticize the pain and struggling of being alone. i no longer roam through robert frost's yellow wood in endless pursuit of the right road to choose. no. now, i live for my daughter's wide gummy smiles and random coos that mean nothing at all to anyone else, but to me they sound sweeter than a symphony. now i light up when i see her and my husband cuddled up close asleep on the couch. and now i know i would go to the ends of the earth and back for this new little family of mine, and instead of questioning the why of my existence on this earth, now my question is how do i live my life in order to teach my daughter the meaning of kindness and truth and honor and love.
so i guess, as in so many other times before, i have answered my questions in roundabout ways by writing them all down.... i am struggling with this new identity but there isn't anything i would do to change it.
it's a new day, it's a new life, and the world spins madly on...
