and the world spins madly on

since i last posted so much has changed. more change this past year than all the other years combined. i met the person i had been waiting for (or dodging) for so long. we got pregnant. we got married. we had a baby. now i am different. now i am someone's wife and someone's mom.

having the script flipped on my whole life so suddenly has given me the need to reevaluate who i am. i have gotten so wrapped up in the nomenclature of wife and mom that i have forgotten to take time to think about what it means to be outside of those titles. identity crisis! does everyone go through this at such intensity at one time or another?

and not only am i struggling with my new inner identity of wife and mom, but i'm also struggling with my outer identity of being 30lbs overweight. it's one of the only things i think about and ruminate on daily. my whole self screams with everything in it's power: "THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!!!" which also makes me question if i was ever really ok with my inner self, or was my physical self (which i was always pretty happy with) compensating for things i didn't want to deal with emotionally/spiritually/mentally?

i have come to a point where the yearning to take care of myself has gotten so strong that it is impossible to ignore. because really, how can i be a good mom and wife if i am ignoring my own essential needs?

that being said, i really love taking care of my little family. now that they're here, i really don't know what i'd do without them. they are now a part of me as my arm is a part of me. in fact, i am much more fond of them than i am my arm. cut it off and it would be a mere inconvenience! now, take away my child and my husband and two thirds of who i am would just die. i would not be chantal anymore. just a shell of who i used to be... the rest would just be gone. just as you can't grow your arm back, i doubt i would ever be able to regain a full existence without the two loves of my life...

but i digress. well, not really. i guess this is really all about identity isn't it? i am no longer that poetic island on which i used to romanticize the pain and struggling of being alone. i no longer roam through robert frost's yellow wood in endless pursuit of the right road to choose. no. now, i live for my daughter's wide gummy smiles and random coos that mean nothing at all to anyone else, but to me they sound sweeter than a symphony. now i light up when i see her and my husband cuddled up close asleep on the couch. and now i know i would go to the ends of the earth and back for this new little family of mine, and instead of questioning the why of my existence on this earth, now my question is how do i live my life in order to teach my daughter the meaning of kindness and truth and honor and love.

so i guess, as in so many other times before, i have answered my questions in roundabout ways by writing them all down.... i am struggling with this new identity but there isn't anything i would do to change it.

it's a new day, it's a new life, and the world spins madly on...

trust

it's like so many other things in life
to which you must say no or yes.
so you take your car to the new mechanic.
sometimes the best thing to do is trust.

the package left with the disreputable-looking
clerk, the check gulped by the night deposit,
the envelope passed by dozens of strangers—
all show up at their intended destinations.

the theft that could have happened doesn't.
wind finally gets where it was going
through the snowy trees, and the river, even
when frozen, arrives at the right place.

and sometimes you sense how faithfully your life
is delivered, even though you can't read the address.

"Trust" by Thomas R. Smith, from Waking Before Dawn

open the love window

"At night, I open the window and ask the moon to come and press its face into mine. Breathe into me. Close the language-door, and open the love-window. The moon won’t use the door, only the window."
-Rumi

burgeoning family

You may not remember the time you let me go first. or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. You may not remember any of those, but I do & this is what I have to say to you: today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together.

-Brian Andreas, from Storypeople

All you have ever longed for is here

I have heard it all my life,

A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.

Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.

There's no safety in that!

Remember what you are and let this knowing

take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are and let a deeper knowing

colour the shape of your humanness.

There is no where to go. What you are looking for is right here.

Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.

There is no waiting for something to happen,

no point in the future to get to.

All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.

You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.

Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this?

Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying.

Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-mad,

faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close,

dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.

When it finds you, give your life to it. Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.

Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

"The Call" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, 2003

meeting god alone

i heard once that it is better to meet god alone than with someone who wouldn't understand.