All you have ever longed for is here

I have heard it all my life,

A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.

Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.

There's no safety in that!

Remember what you are and let this knowing

take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are and let a deeper knowing

colour the shape of your humanness.

There is no where to go. What you are looking for is right here.

Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.

There is no waiting for something to happen,

no point in the future to get to.

All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.

You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.

Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this?

Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying.

Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-mad,

faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close,

dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.

When it finds you, give your life to it. Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.

Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

"The Call" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, 2003

meeting god alone

i heard once that it is better to meet god alone than with someone who wouldn't understand.

She Dreamed of Cows

I knew a woman who washed her hair and bathed
her body and put on the nightgown she'd worn
as a bride and lay down with a .38 in her right hand.
Before she did the thing, she went over her life.
She started at the beginning and recalled everything—
all the shame, sorrow, regret and loss.
This took her a long time into the night
and a long time crying out in rage and grief and disbelief—
until sleep captured her and bore her down.

She dreamed of a green pasture and a green oak tree.
She dreamed of cows. She dreamed she stood
under the tree and the brown and white cows
came slowly up from the pond and stood near her.
Some butted her gently and they licked her bare arms
with their great coarse drooling tongues. Their eyes,
wet as shining water, regarded her. They came closer and began to
press their warm flanks against her, and as they pressed
an almost unendurable joy came over her and
lifted her like a warm wind and she could fly.
She flew over the tree and she flew over the field and
she flew with the cows.

When the woman woke, she rose and went to the mirror.
She looked a long time at her living self.
Then she went down to the kitchen which the sun had made all
yellow, and she made tea. She drank it at the table, slowly,
all the while touching her arms where the cows had licked.

-norah pollard

this is why it is hard for me to live

You think you can handle these things:
sunlight glinting off a red Jaguar
honking at the old woman who has snagged

her shopping cart on a snow rut,
or the swaggering three-piece suit who steps
outside the bank, earless to the mossy voice

at his feet asking for spare change,
but then the crunch of something, nothing really,
under your shoe--a dirty comb, a pen cap--

completely undoes you, and it's too much,
too much, being balanced, considering
the complexity of all sides in one

syntactically correct sentence.
All the driver has to say is "Move it,
Lady," and you're back with the Quakers

who trained you to lie still and limp in the street.
Three days they stepped on your hair,
ground cigarettes half an inch from your nose,

while you lay there, trying to be against
violence, your fists tight as grenades
and a payload of curses between your teeth,

O woman, with a mind Picasso
could have painted, giving you many cheeks,
each one turned a different way.

"Back with the Quakers" by Betsy Sholl

dogfish

you don't want to hear the story 

of my life, and anyway

i don't want to tell it, i want to listen

to the enormous waterfalls of the sun.

and anyway, it's the same old story - - -

a few people just trying, 

one way or another,

to survive.

mostly, i want to be kind.

and nobody, of course, is kind,

or mean,

for a simple reason.

and nobody gets out of it, having to 

swim through the fires to stay in

this world.

and look! look! look! i think those little fish

better wake up and dash themselves away

from the hopeless future that is

bulging toward them.

and probably,

if they don't waste time

looking for an easier world,

they can do it.

-mary oliver

and the days are not full enough

and the days are not full enough

and the nights are not full enough

and life slips by like a field mouse

not shaking the grass

-ezra pound

expect miracles

things have been a little hectic lately, so i apologize for not updating the blog in awhile. between the new job, going home for christmas and going up to snowshoe every weekend i haven't had much free time on my hands.

as for the job, it's going well. i have a lot of respect for the founder and my clinical director. they're visionary spirits. over the past several years of teaching and being in graduate school i have grown into my own philosophy about therapy and about life in general. what i found at this organization is a philosophy that fits well with what's been in my heart for a long time but had never quite found a place to fit into. i'm stoked about all the training i'm getting as well in this relational model. starting in january, it'll be 12 hour work days....

so it's the new year tomorrow and i've been giving a lot of thought as to what it means to me. flipping back through pages of 2008, i find a lot of frustration and anxiety which led me to reevaluate my life on many levels. there were crossroads and confusion, and now looking back i can see so much clearer exactly where the roads crossed and where each of them led... i'm glad i made the decisions i did because when it came down to the nitty gritty, i took heed of that voice inside, and it pointed me in the right direction. i have grown to believe that decision-making gets easier the more i practice. the more often i listen to my "gut" when making decisions, the easier it is to trust it the next time. 

i learned a lot this year, that's for sure. a lot of changes, but i've learned to adapt. just like decision-making, learning to adapt takes practice, too. the only thing you can count on in this life is that things will never stay the same. we are constantly growing and changing. learning to accept this and flow with the changes is essential. gaining age in numbers is one thing, but continuing to nurture your personal growth and pursuing knowledge is crucial to gain wisdom with aging every year. i'm not too upset about turning 27 (even though the number 30 scares the hell out of me) because i know i'm on a path of wisdom. i hope i can say 10 years from now that i've earned these wrinkles in meaningful virtuous experiences that i would never ever trade for a fresh young face.

i have a good feeling that the new year is going to be extraordinary. i have a bookmark that says "expect miracles." i like the bookmark but never really believed i should expect a miracle. what is a miracle anyway? do they even happen anymore? i thought god was done making those things happen long before we were all born. i bet oprah would tell me that i should always be expecting one, the law of attraction, but i don't quite buy that either. i've come to believe that miracles can come in big or little packages. sometimes they can even be overlooked if you don't have the eyes yet to see them, and maybe even obtaining the eyes is a miracle in itself. i think i've had lots of miracles happen in my life (i think we all have) and it saddens me to think that i've missed a large portion of them. i've got brand new eyes this year, and i'm keeping them wide open. i'm gonna see some miracles, i'm telling you, and they've only just begun to appear. i look forward to sharing them over the course of the weeks and months ahead...