To Have Without Holding

and the world spins madly on

2010-08-02T15:24:00.002-04:00

since i last posted so much has changed. more change this past year than all the other years combined. i met the person i had been waiting for (or dodging) for so long. we got pregnant. we got married. we had a baby. now i am different. now i am someone's wife and someone's mom.

having the script flipped on my whole life so suddenly has given me the need to reevaluate who i am. i have gotten so wrapped up in the nomenclature of wife and mom that i have forgotten to take time to think about what it means to be outside of those titles. identity crisis! does everyone go through this at such intensity at one time or another?

and not only am i struggling with my new inner identity of wife and mom, but i'm also struggling with my outer identity of being 30lbs overweight. it's one of the only things i think about and ruminate on daily. my whole self screams with everything in it's power: "THIS IS NOT ME!!!!!!!" which also makes me question if i was ever really ok with my inner self, or was my physical self (which i was always pretty happy with) compensating for things i didn't want to deal with emotionally/spiritually/mentally?

i have come to a point where the yearning to take care of myself has gotten so strong that it is impossible to ignore. because really, how can i be a good mom and wife if i am ignoring my own essential needs?

that being said, i really love taking care of my little family. now that they're here, i really don't know what i'd do without them. they are now a part of me as my arm is a part of me. in fact, i am much more fond of them than i am my arm. cut it off and it would be a mere inconvenience! now, take away my child and my husband and two thirds of who i am would just die. i would not be chantal anymore. just a shell of who i used to be... the rest would just be gone. just as you can't grow your arm back, i doubt i would ever be able to regain a full existence without the two loves of my life...

but i digress. well, not really. i guess this is really all about identity isn't it? i am no longer that poetic island on which i used to romanticize the pain and struggling of being alone. i no longer roam through robert frost's yellow wood in endless pursuit of the right road to choose. no. now, i live for my daughter's wide gummy smiles and random coos that mean nothing at all to anyone else, but to me they sound sweeter than a symphony. now i light up when i see her and my husband cuddled up close asleep on the couch. and now i know i would go to the ends of the earth and back for this new little family of mine, and instead of questioning the why of my existence on this earth, now my question is how do i live my life in order to teach my daughter the meaning of kindness and truth and honor and love.

so i guess, as in so many other times before, i have answered my questions in roundabout ways by writing them all down.... i am struggling with this new identity but there isn't anything i would do to change it.

it's a new day, it's a new life, and the world spins madly on...

trust

2010-03-17T10:55:00.001-04:00

it's like so many other things in life
to which you must say no or yes.
so you take your car to the new mechanic.
sometimes the best thing to do is trust.

the package left with the disreputable-looking
clerk, the check gulped by the night deposit,
the envelope passed by dozens of strangers—
all show up at their intended destinations.

the theft that could have happened doesn't.
wind finally gets where it was going
through the snowy trees, and the river, even
when frozen, arrives at the right place.

and sometimes you sense how faithfully your life
is delivered, even though you can't read the address.

"Trust" by Thomas R. Smith, from Waking Before Dawn

open the love window

2010-01-17T01:39:00.001-05:00

"At night, I open the window and ask the moon to come and press its face into mine. Breathe into me. Close the language-door, and open the love-window. The moon won’t use the door, only the window."
-Rumi

burgeoning family

2010-01-07T12:15:00.004-05:00

You may not remember the time you let me go first. or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. You may not remember any of those, but I do & this is what I have to say to you: today, no matter what it takes, we ride home together.

-Brian Andreas, from Storypeople

All you have ever longed for is here

2010-01-06T15:03:00.004-05:00

I have heard it all my life,

A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.

Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up my love. You are walking asleep.

There's no safety in that!

Remember what you are and let this knowing

take you home to the Beloved with every breath.

Hold tenderly who you are and let a deeper knowing

colour the shape of your humanness.

There is no where to go. What you are looking for is right here.

Open the fist clenched in wanting and see what you already hold in your hand.

There is no waiting for something to happen,

no point in the future to get to.

All you have ever longed for is here in this moment, right now.

You are wearing yourself out with all this searching.

Come home and rest.

How much longer can you live like this?

Your hungry spirit is gaunt, your heart stumbles. All this trying.

Give it up!

Let yourself be one of the God-mad,

faithful only to the Beauty you are.

Let the Lover pull you to your feet and hold you close,

dancing even when fear urges you to sit this one out.

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.

When it finds you, give your life to it. Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.

Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

"The Call" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, 2003

meeting god alone

2010-01-04T11:12:00.003-05:00

i heard once that it is better to meet god alone than with someone who wouldn't understand.

She Dreamed of Cows

2009-10-30T11:54:00.001-04:00

I knew a woman who washed her hair and bathed
her body and put on the nightgown she'd worn
as a bride and lay down with a .38 in her right hand.
Before she did the thing, she went over her life.
She started at the beginning and recalled everything—
all the shame, sorrow, regret and loss.
This took her a long time into the night
and a long time crying out in rage and grief and disbelief—
until sleep captured her and bore her down.

She dreamed of a green pasture and a green oak tree.
She dreamed of cows. She dreamed she stood
under the tree and the brown and white cows
came slowly up from the pond and stood near her.
Some butted her gently and they licked her bare arms
with their great coarse drooling tongues. Their eyes,
wet as shining water, regarded her. They came closer and began to
press their warm flanks against her, and as they pressed
an almost unendurable joy came over her and
lifted her like a warm wind and she could fly.
She flew over the tree and she flew over the field and
she flew with the cows.

When the woman woke, she rose and went to the mirror.
She looked a long time at her living self.
Then she went down to the kitchen which the sun had made all
yellow, and she made tea. She drank it at the table, slowly,
all the while touching her arms where the cows had licked.

-norah pollard

this is why it is hard for me to live

2009-05-11T10:18:00.000-04:00

You think you can handle these things:
sunlight glinting off a red Jaguar
honking at the old woman who has snagged

her shopping cart on a snow rut,
or the swaggering three-piece suit who steps
outside the bank, earless to the mossy voice

at his feet asking for spare change,
but then the crunch of something, nothing really,
under your shoe--a dirty comb, a pen cap--

completely undoes you, and it's too much,
too much, being balanced, considering
the complexity of all sides in one

syntactically correct sentence.
All the driver has to say is "Move it,
Lady," and you're back with the Quakers

who trained you to lie still and limp in the street.
Three days they stepped on your hair,
ground cigarettes half an inch from your nose,

while you lay there, trying to be against
violence, your fists tight as grenades
and a payload of curses between your teeth,

O woman, with a mind Picasso
could have painted, giving you many cheeks,
each one turned a different way.

"Back with the Quakers" by Betsy Sholl

dogfish

2009-03-09T12:45:00.000-04:00

you don't want to hear the story

of my life, and anyway

i don't want to tell it, i want to listen

to the enormous waterfalls of the sun.

and anyway, it's the same old story - - -

a few people just trying,

one way or another,

to survive.

mostly, i want to be kind.

and nobody, of course, is kind,

or mean,

for a simple reason.

and nobody gets out of it, having to

swim through the fires to stay in

this world.

and look! look! look! i think those little fish

better wake up and dash themselves away

from the hopeless future that is

bulging toward them.

and probably,

if they don't waste time

looking for an easier world,

they can do it.

-mary oliver

and the days are not full enough

2009-01-26T20:49:00.001-05:00

and the days are not full enough

and the nights are not full enough

and life slips by like a field mouse

not shaking the grass

-ezra pound

expect miracles

2008-12-31T15:53:00.000-05:00

things have been a little hectic lately, so i apologize for not updating the blog in awhile. between the new job, going home for christmas and going up to snowshoe every weekend i haven't had much free time on my hands.

as for the job, it's going well. i have a lot of respect for the founder and my clinical director. they're visionary spirits. over the past several years of teaching and being in graduate school i have grown into my own philosophy about therapy and about life in general. what i found at this organization is a philosophy that fits well with what's been in my heart for a long time but had never quite found a place to fit into. i'm stoked about all the training i'm getting as well in this relational model. starting in january, it'll be 12 hour work days....

so it's the new year tomorrow and i've been giving a lot of thought as to what it means to me. flipping back through pages of 2008, i find a lot of frustration and anxiety which led me to reevaluate my life on many levels. there were crossroads and confusion, and now looking back i can see so much clearer exactly where the roads crossed and where each of them led... i'm glad i made the decisions i did because when it came down to the nitty gritty, i took heed of that voice inside, and it pointed me in the right direction. i have grown to believe that decision-making gets easier the more i practice. the more often i listen to my "gut" when making decisions, the easier it is to trust it the next time.

i learned a lot this year, that's for sure. a lot of changes, but i've learned to adapt. just like decision-making, learning to adapt takes practice, too. the only thing you can count on in this life is that things will never stay the same. we are constantly growing and changing. learning to accept this and flow with the changes is essential. gaining age in numbers is one thing, but continuing to nurture your personal growth and pursuing knowledge is crucial to gain wisdom with aging every year. i'm not too upset about turning 27 (even though the number 30 scares the hell out of me) because i know i'm on a path of wisdom. i hope i can say 10 years from now that i've earned these wrinkles in meaningful virtuous experiences that i would never ever trade for a fresh young face.

i have a good feeling that the new year is going to be extraordinary. i have a bookmark that says "expect miracles." i like the bookmark but never really believed i should expect a miracle. what is a miracle anyway? do they even happen anymore? i thought god was done making those things happen long before we were all born. i bet oprah would tell me that i should always be expecting one, the law of attraction, but i don't quite buy that either. i've come to believe that miracles can come in big or little packages. sometimes they can even be overlooked if you don't have the eyes yet to see them, and maybe even obtaining the eyes is a miracle in itself. i think i've had lots of miracles happen in my life (i think we all have) and it saddens me to think that i've missed a large portion of them. i've got brand new eyes this year, and i'm keeping them wide open. i'm gonna see some miracles, i'm telling you, and they've only just begun to appear. i look forward to sharing them over the course of the weeks and months ahead...

the lesson of the moth

2008-12-12T01:01:00.000-05:00

i was talking to a moth

the other evening

he was trying to break into

an electric light bulb

and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows

pull this stunt i asked him

because it is the conventional

thing for moths or why

if that had been an uncovered

candle instead of an electric

light bulb you would

now be a small unsightly cinder

have you no sense

plenty of it he answered

but at times we get tired

of using it

we get bored with the routine

and crave beauty

and excitement

fire is beautiful

and we know that if we get

too close it will kill us

but what does that matter

it is better to be happy

for a moment

and be burned up with beauty

than to live a long time

and be bored all the while

so we wad all our life up

into one little roll

and then we shoot the roll

that is what life is for

it is better to be a part of beauty

for one instant and then cease to

exist than to exist forever

and never be a part of beauty

our attitude toward life

is come easy go easy

we are like human beings

used to be before they became

too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him

out of his philosophy

he went and immolated himself

on a patent cigar lighter

i do not agree with him

myself i would rather have

half the happiness and twice

the longevity

but at the same time i wish

there was something i wanted

as badly as he wanted to fry himself

"the lesson of the moth" by archy (don marquis) from "archy and mehitabel," 1927

burning with the inner fire of unbreakable will

2008-12-10T22:08:00.000-05:00

when you know who you are;

when your mission is clear and you
burn with the inner fire of unbreakable will;
no cold can touch your heart;
no deluge can dampen your purpose.

you know that you are alive.

-chief seattle

i'm not quite sure what to think right now. when i got off work tonight, i checked my voicemails as i always do. except tonight i listened to several identical messages. all from friends wanting to know how I was in my new place with the new job... said they had read my blog and wanted to talk and catch up, thought i might be lonely.

the quote on my last blog entry is about the dichotomy between loneliness and aloneness. "they're not the same thing you know."

coming here was a conscious choice: i am living this way purpose. i knew it would be isolating, i knew it might get lonely, i knew it'd be hard as hell. but i took this position after careful contemplation... debating taking a similar job which would have been closer to wilmington and where i could have lived in a larger city. ultimately i decided i wanted this lifestyle and felt called to a more isolated way of living. call it conscience, call it god, call it the universe... but whatever you like to call it, i listened, and it pointed me here.

ok, so truth be told, i do get lonely sometimes. but for me, right now, it's about sitting with the loneliness and pushing through it to the other side. it's about the entire experience. i think most people are afraid to be alone, and therefore they think this must be terrifying. it's not. it's hard, but it's worth it. for too long i have been either living with someone or was in a place where i had such a large social life that there was little time to spend by myself, to work on my own growth as a human being and self-actualization. perhaps i am simply supposed to be alone right now... my soul is aching to grow, i've got a purpose nagging on my heart to be fulfilled.

life is not about fulfilling desires. it's not about fun or pleasure. life is about purpose. it is about being virtuous and serving others. we all have a purpose on this earth; many of us don't know what it is. moreover, many of us are too wrapped up in hedonistic desires to even have given thought to purpose at all. i truly believe that if one does not have a virtuous mission, then that person is not a contributing member of the human race. if i may be blunt for a moment: without a purpose, one is merely a breathing waste of space.

recently i went through a period where i wasn't actively pursuing my purpose. i won't mention my superficial meaningless jobs here, but in a nutshell i floated from here to there, socializing, networking, galavanting. was it fun? yeah! was it meaningful and fulfilling? no. the funny thing is, that's never been the chantal i knew, but situations and emotions met at a point where it was easy to get taken. surprisingly, i'm glad of it, for it gave me a direct experience by which i can relate to others with compassion and empathy.

i'm in a place right now where i know that i need to have this experience of being alone and isolated in order to grow in a way that will be important later. my ultimate mission is, as it has always been, to serve others. if i'm not doing that in a very direct way, i might as well not walk the earth. if i am not following my purpose, i am merely a breathing shell of who i am supposed to be. in order to fulfill my purpose to help others in a real and direct way, i must confront and process issues within myself. how am i to ever help others face their fears and grow if i am never able to face my own?

so, living life with clear intention, here i stand, alone in a little house surrounded by miles of land under the endless black night sky that looks as if it could swallow me whole. in many indigenous cultures it is said that when you start to live life with clear intention and purpose, that the entire universe conspires in your favor. you will not be harmed. instead, you will be aided along the way by everyone and everything, everywhere. and most importantly, you are never, ever, alone.

letting myself come first for awhile

2008-12-09T03:16:00.001-05:00

how can you say something new about being alone? tell somebody you're a loner; right away they think you're lonely. it's not the same thing, you know. it's not wanting to put all your marbles in one pocket. and that's caring enough not to care too much. mostly, i guess it's letting yourself come first for awhile.

-rod mckuen, from "some traveling music"

photo taken on the basin trail at fort fisher, sitting on boardwalk over the marshlands between the cape fear river and the atlantic ocean

first winter weekend

2008-12-07T23:42:00.000-05:00

mom and i chilled out and unpacked the rest of the house yesterday... friday night we went out for "first night" which is a downtown gathering each first friday of the month. ate dinner at the stardust cafe, watched native american drum circle in the town square, listened to some live music, browsed around the little locally owned shops (which stay open late for the event). during a glass of wine at the "martini bar" (what everyone calls it... i still have no idea what its actual name is) we met some nice guys who suggested we go to the irish pub. what a night. met some great people for some great conversations and lots of laughs. everyone here is so friendly it absolutely kills me with delight! i can only hope i have more days/nights like that here...

and then came the snow... lots and lots of it. and it didn't stop. at first i thought nothing of it, if anything it was exciting. my first snow in my new home! for dinner i had planned on cooking a new paula deen shrimp florentine recipe for mom and i, so i bundled up and hopped in the car in the thick falling snow to pick up the ingredients. you can probably guess what happened next. after backing out into my little narrow road, i put my car in drive and attempted to go forward. not happening. the wheels spun out and the car proceeded to slide all over the road! fortunately i was able to get back into the driveway without crashing into the mailbox or the side of the house.

we planned on going to church this morning but at 11am it was still snowing. i commenced my bundle-up procedure and headed outside, stomping out into the road to look at the damage. the road definitely looked a little better since the neighbors had driven it a few times, but still not driveable by my 2 wheel drive sedan. since my street is several miles from town and not well traveled it apparently doesn't get salted or plowed. we were finally able to get out this afternoon around 4pm, albeit sliding around on the ice on my street. i felt like i was driving an ice skate. when we were out, i looked around at the vehicles on the road... it seems the large majority of folks around here drive trucks or SUVs. if it weren't bad enough not to have a truck where i live, i work about 30 miles away. hmph.

it's interesting getting used to the subtle differences around here. simplicity. chivalry. family. everyone knows everyone else and their uncle and brother and cousin's sister-in-law and great aunt's brother's cousin twice removed. camo everything...everywhere (i bought a camo flashlight today, and yesterday i bought flannel sheets featuring bears and wolves and deer running around in the woods). my hot shower water that eludes me after 5 minutes. wv pride (i like it). no places to go shopping....

::sigh:: shopping... which i've never been all that into anyway, but its still strange knowing that if i want to buy a new sweater or a pair of pants that i'd have to drive a couple hours away. while unpacking my bedroom today i realized that i have a pretty insane amount of clothes. far more than what is necessary for one human being in order to live in society. i find it pretty funny (and encouraging) that for the last 3 months i've been living off of less than 1/8 of my wardrobe (after moving from SF to wilmington i never unpacked most of my clothing boxes).

before i left SF, i gave away about half of my wardrobe (yeah, half). i can only imagine the amount of money i've wasted. i have a new perspective these days. although i appreciate fashion, one of my resolutions for the new year is to spend less time, money and energy on decorating myself. i know it will always be important for me to feel good in clothes, and i appreciate fashion (i suppose one could argue it's like art for the body), but i see myself devoting less time to personal aesthetics and more time on other interests. writing, journaling, reading, photography, art. learning new sports, studying philosophical and psychological theories for my new job, yoga, meditation, prayer. if i could cut out an hour of time a week i used to spend on clothing and put it toward one or all of these other interests i have a good feeling i would find myself a happier girl (and, i hope, a better person to boot).

Learning to love differently is hard

2008-12-06T12:19:00.000-05:00

it's my 5th day here in themiddleonowhereland, west virginia. each morning i've sat in amazement watching sun rise in my back yard over wide stretches of farmland, the cows and horses grazing in complete solace. not a sound for miles except the icy wind and the occasional bark from the neighbor's dog. i feel like i'm living on a different planet... it's slowly settling in that this is my life now.

view from my backyard... my little tree, my little swing, my little shed

...the horses grazing in the afternoon

...the white cow always looks up first, alerts the others that i'm there

...and last but not least, the unassuming humble abode. its not much, but then again, i don't really need much.

i always dreamed of a living in Mary Oliver's poem "a dream of trees"...

There is a thing in me that dreamed of trees,

A quiet house, some green and modest acres

A little way from every troubling town,

A little way from factories, schools, laments.

I would have time, I thought, and time to spare,

With only streams and birds for company.

To build out of my life a few wild stanzas.

...so here i am. in this new life i always dreamed of. following my heart, running on pure and simple faith. it's not going to be easy, i know. my job is going to be difficult, i'll be in the process of intense training. i'm isolated from the rest of the world. it will take awhile to build solid relationships.

my challenge is to learn to keep my heart open to the world. to let it change me, to let it strip me naked. to let it make me unplugged, raw, humbled and real. to not let failure make me shriveled and closed, but to let it make me perceptive and empathic to others. to sit with my pain without being able to fix it. to see and to receive god's earthly handiwork. to have without holding. to love wide open.

To Have Without Holding

and the world spins madly on

trust

open the love window

"At night, I open the window and ask the moon to come and press its face into mine. Breathe into me. Close the language-door, and open the love-window. The moon won’t use the door, only the window."-Rumi

burgeoning family

All you have ever longed for is here

meeting god alone

She Dreamed of Cows

this is why it is hard for me to live

dogfish

and the days are not full enough

expect miracles

the lesson of the moth

burning with the inner fire of unbreakable will

letting myself come first for awhile

first winter weekend

Learning to love differently is hard

"At night, I open the window and ask the moon to come and press its face into mine. Breathe into me. Close the language-door, and open the love-window. The moon won’t use the door, only the window."
-Rumi